it’s 2023;

wow… has it already been a year since my last blog post? ^^” obviously, 2022 was a busy year for me lol.

re-reading through my last blog post though, i realized that i did all the things i said i would: focusing on my education to get where i need for my future career & practicing Sabbath. as i am writing this, today just so happens to be my day of Sabbath. it’s honestly taken a lot of intentionality for me to get where i am (in terms of writing). even though i haven’t been blogging, i kept up with the usual routine of journaling once a week, i’d say. i even started audio recording myself to verbally process all the things i needed to & its helped me to feel like i could actually start writing again from a place of freedom. the journey has not been an easy one, to say the least… but i am mostly satisfied because healing & growth has come out of it.

actually, so much happened in 2021—that i wanted 2022 to be different. i started a gratitude jar in 2022. i didn’t write as many notes as i wished i had or wanted? but… it was enough that i was able to reflect on things from the year by the end of 2022. the holidays were not what i had anticipated because life happens & unexpected things turn your world upside down. the short version, i think, is that i got my heart broken lol. it happened out of neglect of myself for the sake of feeling special. i’ve mostly been grieving these last several weeks as 2022 came to an end. but anyways, back to NYE~

so many people have this idea that NYE should be something great & grand & wonderful—but… they don’t realize it just creates pressure for things to be a certain way that you’re only met with disappointments when things don’t turn out the way that you want. i actually got broken up with the morning of NYE, but i had already been mentally preparing myself for a break up to happen (i just didn’t know when it would happen). in the end, i was filled with gratitude, despite the situation.

usually, every year, the holidays is a crazy time. it’s a big deal where i work at & to add on top of that—family lol. i felt anxious about everything, but things weren’t as bad as i had anticipated. even though i was grieving over the holidays, i was thankful for all the moments that i chose to be with community when i knew i needed distraction. everyone was authentically cheery & i didn’t feel alone. & my goodness~ i am so incredibly thankful for community! how much i am thankful for community does not even describe my gratitude for people ik who love & care for me.

i got invited to a NYE party. i debated if i was gonna go to it or not, because i wasn’t sure if i wanted to go. but it’s the first time i’ve been invited to a NYE party in what has felt like… forever? lol. every year, my family gathers during Christmas. this is my immediate family and extended family that i’m talking about btw .-. lol. my church also does a Christmas Eve gathering that my family & i have been making tradition to go to. all these things are sweet, but it’s also just a lot of gathering happening. over the last few years, i’ve noticed i’ve become more & more introverted. the thing is, i love people. i love getting to know them, hearing their stories, & finding out what makes them come alive. but it can be so incredibly exhausting to be investing time into people x_x i’m not complaining btw lol. cause i really do love community. but it can be a lot! anyways~

i made the decision to go. it was only from 5-9 PM. the party was going according to the live broadcast in nyc with the live ball drop countdown in madison square garden. prior to going to the party, i had a conversation with a co-worker of mine & asked her what she was gonna be doing for NYE. she said that she was gonna spend time by herself to meditate & reflect on the year. she said she’d always been in a relationship or with a guy & was always doing something for NYE with someone… but this year, she wanted to be by herself. & when she said that, i was like, “oh my gosh, i want to do that!” lol. i remembered that i had my gratitude jar that i started around the beginning of 2022, so there was something to look forward to at the end of my night.

talking about the holidays with a friend later though, i realized that i want to keep tradition of filling my gratitude jar for 2023. i’m also gonna keep verbally processing through audio recording & make goals to advance for my future nonexistent career.

again, i don’t promise to be posting here regularly. but if you’re reading this~ hi friend! i hope you are well (: let’s make 2023 another great year!

what even is a new years resolution?

wow, it’s been over a year and a half since i’ve last written here. i don’t even know if anyone still bothers to read my posts, honestly… haha. but that’s okay. i’m not expecting a lot of people to come across this.

even though i haven’t been writing here, i have been journaling on my own. i started organizing my files by year, as i always put the date & time to timestamp the moment i journal/write (yyyy-mm-dd-tttt). as i was filing my entries by the year, i realized that i kind of have an average number of times that i journal within a year, and i want to increase that number.

it’s funny though, as i’m trying to figure out what to title this post. the new year began a little over a couple weeks ago, and i’m wondering why new years resolutions are a thing. who began it anyways? lol. does anyone actually do them? i struggle big time with new years resolutions, especially if i lack motivation & struggle with imposter syndrome.

i have this podcast that i love listening to, and apparently—the number of dating apps/online dating users increase the first sunday of the year because people want to have someone by valentine’s day LOL. i thought that was interesting, ahaha.

after my last long term relationship, i was single for almost 4.5 years by the time i thought about dating again. yes, you heard that right. i’ve been dating, and a lot of it happened through apps and/or online (cos covid). needless to say, i am still single. i don’t expect people to know about my love life, because i kind of keep that out of the light for a reason.

i’ve been on a few first dates, & some which turned out to be a little more too, but things didn’t pan out either because of circumstances or different wants & needs of both parties. & some—we’ve actually become really good friends instead. overall, its been a hearty & struggling process. this is the world of dating. crazy…

anyways, aside from all that… i’ve been busy pursuing education for my nearby future career! all of that has been a big drag, because i didn’t expect it to be sort of the “killing” side of things, ahaha. but it’s all good. i’m almost done, and i can’t believe i’ve actually made it this far. i’m one step closer to attaining my dreams, even though i’m unsure of what the future holds.

this term though, i’m taking one less class. it gives me a little more time to focus on practicing sabbath, and that’s what i’m doing rn (writing, processing & just choosing the things i delight in). it’s been in dire need, because this last year with school & everything that’s happened since covid—it’s just been really hard. i think the world can agree with that… rn, i’m taking steps forward in pursuing my best self. it’s a rocky start, but i’m glad to say that i am thankful i decided to start.

i know i’ve said this before, but the goal of this post is for me to write more… i could always write more, so that’s what i’m doing. i can’t promise that i’ll be updating consecutively, but if you’re around to read this, say hi (:

2020-08-23-1502

 

what is delight? according to dictionary.com, these are the definitions given.

delight (dih-lahyt)

(n): 1. a high degree of pleasure or enjoyment; joy; rapture. 2. something that gives great pleasure.

(v): 3. to give great pleasure, satisfaction, or enjoyment to; please highly. (w/ an object)

(v): 4. to have great pleasure; take pleasure (w/o an object)

as a good friend of mine would say, what someone delights in is very subjective. so there isn’t just one thing that everyone finds delight in, cause many people can find delight in a lot of different things.

so what is delight?

i like to think that for myself… it’s the little things. like the way music sounds where it can make me soar to heights that other things can’t. delight is petrichor. it’s the taste of a perfectly made matcha latte—not too bitter, but not too sweet. it’s a good cup of chai, mixed perfectly where the chai isn’t just spice but a good balance with milk. it’s wearing make up, because you decided to look good for yourself on a day where you didn’t feel the greatest but you chose to take care of yourself anyway. it’s recognizing that you have a home & a bed to lay in. it’s dressing up in a flowy dress where you get to feel beautiful in. it’s the blowing of the wind when it brushes your ears & cheeks. it’s also reading old journal entries & remembering the tangible things that happened when those entries were being written.

delight can be so many things… but what it is most importantly is being mindful of all the good things.

so what is delight to you?

write them already !

ever just feel like your brain is full of things, but then your ideas become nothing because they just stay as ideas ?

the other day my mom asked me if i could choose one thing of all the things i do—what would it be ? i tend to misunderstand my mom a lot (lol), so i asked her a few questions before i answered her question to make sure i knew how to answer. she was asking me if i could choose one thing out of all the creative things i do, which one would i do for the rest of my life (for a living), & why would it be that one thing. now—i do a number of things. i…

• draw & illustrate (have even dabbled in water coloring & hand lettering)
• have years of experience in graphic designing & editing
• video graph from time to time & even video edit
• do music (piano & sing, even learning ukelele cos of quarantine)
• dance & choreograph
• even learned to photograph with a camera properly
• also learned to develop a website

i said that if i could choose one thing—it would be writing. i don’t know if it shocked her or if it surprised her. she asks me why, & i tell her, “because… writing is something that i always still think about doing. it’s still in the back of my mind.”

if anyone is reading my blog rn, you know that i haven’t been updating it. but idk… writing is something that i still think about pursuing. idk if i could make a living off of it, because i haven’t thought that far about it tbh lol. but i dream of publishing a book some day, maybe even help co-write songs for people, & even doing some screen writing in the future.

i remember having a conversation with an artist friend of mine (a little over a year ago) via text & she asked me if i’d been writing. i said that i hadn’t really been doing much writing these days. i tell her that i didn’t know if i should be focusing on just one thing, because everything i did felt like it wasn’t bettering myself as an artist because i’d spend time doing one thing (at a time, per say). i felt i wasn’t giving my all to just one thing because i was lacking in A, B, & C, etc.

she texts me back this:

for those who don’t know, i’m currently going to school for graphic design. this last (winter) term, i took printmaking. on the v first day of class, my professor had us couple with someone else. we were handed a questionnaire so we could introduce that person to the class. we shared about our partner—what pronouns they go by, & if they knew certain art terms (which we presumed we would learn throughout the term), & what they planned for as a career. this seemed like a typical first day of class on the start of a new term. but this first day was particularly different, because my professor said something that struck me.

he mentioned that not everyone in our class was going to school for the same thing (obvi, that was a given); some of us were just there to fulfill an elective credit—but we were all going somewhere with this class… whether it be doing something you like, or it’s a required class—you were there. aside as to why we were there, he asks why it would even be important as to be in this class. he tells us that because we all have different goals that we’re attaining, it tells something about us as a whole and individuals. he was saying that there’s something about art that makes us become better at what we plan to do for the rest of our lives. in that instance, it struck me about what he was saying. by doing all the different arts that i could do, in the long run—it would make me become a better artist. he was saying that by working with & doing different multiple mediums, it would expand your creativity.

i was reading for a pre-req gd class i’m taking rn, & i learned something (we’re currently working on making thumbnails for a made up company of our choice). it was talking about why designers use thumbnails, saying that they were quick & easy to use to jot down ideas. now, i’ve never been one to put my ideas down onto paper because i normally just freehand-create as i go. i’ve always done art this way. most of the time, i always end up satisfied with the end result—but it takes some readjustments with pieces that i’ve made for me to get to my satisfaction. in some ways, it has been frustrating, cause then i start over from scratch when i do that. through my textbook reading, i realized that with thumbnails—i wouldn’t have to do that. it would save me time in the long run, & i could become better at what i want to do.

now, to be more specific—thumbnails are mandated when you work with a client. they are a way of you brainstorming your ideas, keeping your creativity flowing as you quickly jot & sketch things down.

at that moment, i realized that ideas aren’t meant to be organized & perfect because execution comes from planning. i’ve always struggled with being a perfectionist & man… talking about perfection is something that i need to save for another blog post some day, haha. but if you don’t write your ideas down—they will disappear before you even know it… i guess that’s why i decided to write today. i knew that if i didn’t put my words down, but just thought about it—i wouldn’t write.

i don’t know if writing is something that i will pursue as a career… but i want to keep doing it. it’s the place where i can be real. besides, if i don’t do it—where would all my “great” ideas go ? haha.

2019-08-26-2354

dear future husband,

hi (: is it weird to say that i miss you ? lol. buut~ i’m thinking of you & missing you. i was texting a good friend of mine & wanted to tell you that our conversation striked a thought that i hadn’t thought of before.

so i wanted to take this time to speak life over you. know that wherever you are, whatever you’re going through—Jesus is for you & not against you. whatever mistakes or things you’ve held onto because you felt like it was unforgivable—Jesus has wiped your slate clean.

it’s hard to see how much Jesus loves you. & trust me, i know because i’ve been there so many times… but he truly does.

so go after the dreams that God calls you to. He gave you those dreams for a reason. i don’t know what kind of career you plan to pursue (or if you’re already pursuing it)—but know that the thing that makes your soul come alive because of it, it is because He created you for it.

i pray that God would continue to protect you, guide you, & allow you the safe space you need when, whether it be healing or when it comes to dreaming. know that there is goodness that resides in you because you are imago dei. i pray that God would continue to mold you as he shapes you into the man He calls you to be.

i love you, & i can’t wait to meet you when the time comes.
waiting to be forever yours,
— your bride

i’m still growing,

i have to admit—it’s kinda weird to think that i’m 26 lol. i feel like in a sense, i haven’t grown much. instead, i’ve felt stagnant. i don’t know where i’m going with this in all honesty. all i know is that, if i were to think back to what i would’ve imagined where i’d be by this time frame of my life a few years ago—it didn’t look like this.

well, maybe that’s not sucha bad thing.

i was having a conversation with my little sister this morning as we were getting ready for our day. i don’t remember the conversation clearly, but i just remember telling her that i feel like i’ve been a lot more negative recently. i had mentioned that i don’t give myself enough credit for anything.

i told her that i received my time capsule letter that i wrote to myself 2 years ago. i made an instagram post about how i felt like time capsules are somehow magical. even though they were words from myself, i wrote to remind myself that no matter where i am or what i’ve done—God is still who He says he is (& that truth is that He is good).

even my past self was telling me that i need to cut slack for myself & to not be hard on myself.

i’m forgetting to embrace goodness to the point where i reject it.

why is that ? why is it that when we get complimented, we don’t say thank you ? we get all awkward & we’re like, “ew, no. don’t say that about me.” & then we refuse to accept a good truth that’s being spoken over us.

it’s also the same thing for when we receive a legitimate truth about ourselves—like something we struggle with.

honestly, i have my sister (i have 2 sisters btw. a sister & a little sister lol) to thank for opening my eyes about the things i don’t want to face about myself. she has always been one to speak her mind. & she challenges me to step out of my comfort zone when she confronts me. if you know me—i am not great with confrontations… but i’m thankful that i have a person like her in my life.

yeah, sometimes it makes me feel stupid. but i think that isn’t sucha bad thing either.

i’m 26 years old young & i’m still tryna navigate life because i don’t have it all figured out. as time has passed by, i realize that i will always need to lean on the Lord. & i need to remind myself that there isn’t anything wrong with that.

even if i don’t have everything figured out, what i do know is that i want to live a life that reflects dependency on Love. every decision i make, every thought that i think—it’s because Love helped me through those moments to get to… wherever i am.

2019-08-01-1451

this is everything i hope & desire to be, only because of Jesus. #practiceyouajournal

long time no see,

well, hello mates who may or may not even read this. how do you do ? it’s been ages since i’ve written. & honestly, i hate to admit it… but fear has gotten the worse of me. i was having a conversation with someone & we talked about how our feelings are things that we have pushed away & suppressed for so long. so for right now (& possibly future moments too), i’m going to write what i feel because i am not so great at being real with myself.

as an infj and ennegram 9w1 (honestly, i don’t know very much about being a 9–but what i do know is that 9’s are peacemakers), it’s a combination that pummels me. wanting to make peace with everyone around me all the time as a 9, but also being my introverted self who doesn’t always speak my mind–it puts me in a place of isolation a lot.

the conversation that i had with this person gave me perspective though. they talked about how they wanted to become a person who expressed themselves more. i resonated a lot with what they were saying because i, myself, would like to become more like that. it doesn’t change the fact that i’m an infj or a 9 (i’ve retaken the mbti test for the last 2 years, & i’m still an infj).

i learned through my psychology class that your personality doesn’t change. everything about your personality (which are your characteristics & morals) has been a part of who you are since the beginning of your existence.

but i realize… being all of myself will require me to take risks. just as Love has taken risks. & it’ll be worth it.

hard, but worth it.

i desire & want to grow, but i can’t grow if i’m not taking risks or putting myself out there.

to those who haven’t tried, don’t wait. i’ve stayed in mundanity & mediocrity for way too long. so just do it; whatever that looks like… do it.

2019-02-18-0724

come to Jesus as you are.

as a perfectionist (with everything, literally) this is a constant reminder for me that i don’t need to have it all together or figured out when i’m with Jesus (& just with life in general). a friend has been reminding me recently that i also need to give myself credit sometimes too. don’t be hard on yourself. & stop carrying everything by yourself. God’s hands are much larger than you know. He wants to do life with you.

— 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒓𝒊𝒐𝒓

we are merely reminants of Love.